


The Pumpkin Debacle

by QueenPotema



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:40:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26197993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenPotema/pseuds/QueenPotema
Summary: Madara does whatever he has to to keep his little brother Izuna safe and healthy, even when what he has to do is... not clean.Hashirama is very, very, VERY bad at managing money.Sometimes people gravitate together, regardless of backgrounds or circumstances.Modern AUWritten as a gift exchange fic for the prompt: Pumpkin Carving Gone Wrong.
Relationships: Senju Hashirama/Uchiha Madara
Comments: 9
Kudos: 106





	The Pumpkin Debacle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BumpkinDice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BumpkinDice/gifts).



> Listen, Loki whenever you may see this... I have no idea what happened. I blinked and this 4000 word monstrosity appeared I had nothing to do with it, I SWEAR.
> 
> .... Is it naive to hope you like my crack fic anyway? T^T

Madara hates autumn. It signals the coming of the only season he hates more, winter. The brightly colored leaves may be nice, and hot beverages and warm fires are appealing, but Madara hasn't gotten to enjoy such small pleasures since his father died two years ago.

His father had been a stubborn, prideful man in his late forties, refusing to evolve with the times. He had stubbornly refused change in his business until one day, the rest of the family forcibly removed him from the CEO position. Tajima had responded in the worst possible way, blowing all his savings on lawyers and alcohol in equal measure trying to fight the decision of the board and drink away his failures. He died failing to regain his empire, in a fiery car accident that claimed Madara's mother, and three of his brothers as well. Tajima had nothing in the way of money by that time, and no life insurance on him or his wife. 

That left Madara twenty years old, with a house he had no way to pay for, an incomplete education, and one fifteen year old little brother he had to find a way to feed. 

Tajima had alienated their family, and by this point, Madara had no idea how to get ahold of any of them to beg for help, or even if they would answer a random twenty year old claiming to be their kin when they hadn't seen him in ten years. And so, with no other options, he dropped out of college and tried to find work. He quickly learned that any job willing to hire him also didn't pay a living wage. He had to sell his family's house, and move himself and Izuna into a cramped little apartment. 

The money from the sale of the house only lasted them so long though, and Madara was desperate for a way to keep their rent paid, and his brother fed and in school. They were on the verge of being evicted when Madara was first approached by Indra, a known criminal in the city of Konoha. He was also a ghost of sorts, legendary, but impossible for the police to track down. 

Madara had been terrified when Indra's men had cornered him after another botched job interview and taken him to a warehouse where the crime boss was waiting. But all Indra wanted was to offer him a 'way out' as he put it. The man had told him he was good looking enough to be part of his ring. Madara had gotten his meaning immediately, and refused. 

He got an eviction notice a week later and changed his tune quickly.

All things considered, Indra wasn't a bad Boss. He protects all of his 'employees' religiously, and most people Madara worked for at night knew not to try anything sketchy. Madara always has the option to say no to a customer, and he can skip several nights if he wants to as well. On top of that, he only charged a flat rate for his protection, and not a percentage of what Madara earned. Prostitution made him more in one month than his two minimum wage jobs did in six.

This world is truly a lost cause.

Madara smiles softly as he returns his mind to the present and watches Izuna eat between lines of chatter. The now seventeen year old always eats like he will never see food again, not that Madara can blame him. He has known hunger. 

"Aren't you going to eat too Aniki?" Izuna asks, pausing in some exaggerated tale about an 'albino know-it-all rat bastard senior' from school.

"I ate before you got home brat. Now hurry up, you have homework to do, and I have to go to work."

It's not a lie really, Madara did have a meager meal of a donut and one of those horrible pumpkin spice lattes the coffee shops insist on putting on sale in October. He is sure Izuna means a real dinner though, and not a bad 'lunch' provided by a repeat client, but Autumn means slower business which means less to eat after all the bills get paid. Madara will be damned if he ever lets Izuna go hungry again. 

He leaves the apartment in his normal clothes as usual to keep Izuna from seeing him in the skimpy outfits he wears to attract customers. Izuna thinks he works nights at some 24-hour store downtown, and he will continue to believe that as far as Madara is concerned. 

Madara hops into the car the Boss sent to pick him up and tightly braids up the hair on the left side of his head into five even little Dutch braids letting the tails fall into the mass of hair that's hanging loose down his back. It's an art he has perfected over the year he has been doing this. 

When they get to the warehouse, Madara thanks his driver and heads in. He is greeted at the door by Kakuzu and Hidan.

"Hey sweet cheeks." Hidan drawls as he flicks a cigarette.

"I will still break your legs," Madara snarls back without any real bite behind it. He knows that's just the way that idiot displays friendliness and he means nothing by it.

"Always a pleasure Mada-chan," Hidan winks.

"Don't forget you still owe 150 of that raincheck and you'll owe the regular 200 for tonight too." Kakuzu says in his gravelly voice.

"I know." Madara says politely. It's best to stay on good terms with the money manager.

He heads to the lockers and puts on his 'work clothes' which tonight consists of leather pants that lace up on the hips, a corseting shirt, studded boots, gloves that go up to his elbows, a leather choker, and large dangling loops in his ears. As a final touch, he thickly applies eyeliner and makes those fancy wings he hates having to do because they take so much longer, but it is a necessary touch in the cooler months for the extra allure it offers when he has to pull his leopard print fur coat over the merchandise. 

Once he is satisfied with his appearance he grabs tonight's disposable cell from Konan. The main part of his, and all of Indra's workers', agreement with the Boss is the protection offered in exchange for the flat rate offered. Because of Indra's connections, he knows pretty much everyone, and anyone he doesn't know, he can find out about. So before Madara gets in the car with a customer he doesn't recognize, he asks for a full name and sends it over the disposable phone to headquarters. They tell him whether the person is safe or not, whether they will pay or try to run, and as an added stipulation, Madara asks for driving records. His parents and brothers died in a car accident, and he doesn't plan on going out the same way. 

Madara doesn't ever go with anyone who doesn't have a clean record on both driving and background or anyone who lies about their name unlike most, but it means that his clientele base is already smaller than the others and in slow months it takes a toll. 

The Uchiha sighs and heads back out to his driver after a brief chat with Konan. He is taken to a street well known for… people of his profession and he steps out of the car to lean against a building and wait. He gets there at 9:30 and it is only thirty minutes before he gets a bite. A black car pulls up and flashes its lights as it pulls beside the building he is still leaning on. He drops his cigarette, stomps it out, and pushes out of the lean to move forward as he studies the car. Black as pitch, brand new, and an Audi. Nice. Tonight is starting out well. He should be able to milk his full debt out of this customer and then take whatever else he manages to make home, if the person is clean of course. He doesn't recognize the car after all.

He bows down to eye level with the tinted passenger window and gives his best seductive smile, tilting his head a bit to let the fringe that covers one of his eyes fall to his shoulder. The window rolls down to reveal a man, about his age (luckily) with the straightest chestnut colored hair and kind brown eyes. Not the type he usually sees, but he is dressed up in a business suit more typical of Madara's clients. He seems somewhat familiar though...

"Hey baby," Madara says in a deep rumble, "looking for a good time tonight huh?"

The man laughs nervously, "I mean… yes? Technically."

Technically??? What the… Madara thinks to himself and then refocuses his mind.

"Well what's your name then hon?" Madara says readying his cell.

"Oh! Uhm… Hashirama." He replies as he awkwardly plays with his hair.

"Family name too if you would," Madara tacks on with a wink as he types the first name into his phone, "gotta know who I'll be with tonight after all, now don't I? Your info is safe, don't worry."

Hashirama looks away with a slight blush, "Its… Senju. I don't usually do things like this just so you know, but I really need help."

Internally, Madara furrows his brow. What a strange guy. 'Help' is what he calls it? What kind of nerd is he? And why does Madara feel like he has met him somewhere.

_ Ooooh. Caught a big fishie tonight huh Mada-chan. _ -Hidan

Madara hates it when Hidan is on security detail.

_ Just tell me if he's clean.  _ -Madara

"What are you doing?" Hashirama asks, with genuine curiosity in his puppy eyes instead of the irritation in most customer's eyes when this process takes a bit longer than normal.

"Like I said, I can't just cater to anyone." Madara says propping his arm on the open window and dramatically propping his head on that, "It won't be much longer babe, and don't worry, this street is clear of unwanted more law abiding eyes. In the meantime, tell me what  _ service  _ you're interested in."

"Well… its ah… a bit hard to explain. But we will be going across town? And uh… we will be there the whole night. So…." The brunette says, stumbling over himself. 

Madara resists the urge to scoff. Normally, this would be sketchy enough for him to drop out of the deal and call a car to take him to another street but… it's a brand new  _ Audi  _ in the middle of the slow season. And the guy seems genuinely stupid. How bad could it be???

_ All we can tell you is that he's got no criminal records, sugar. He's never hired a prostitute before far as we know, no records there. He IS the son of a CEO of a huge company. Seems daddy kicked the bucket recently, so the guy is absolutely LOADED. Your call.  _ -Hidan

_ Forgetting something?  _ -Madara

_ Ah right, forgot that was you. Totally clean driving record. Happy hunting!  _ -Hidan

Madara pockets his phone and thinks for a second. This is a lot sketchier than his normal deals but…. The whole night means that he won't have any dry hours and that means more money. The guy has no history with prostitutes, so he's likely to not know his way around them which means Madara can play with his rates. Besides that…. There's a familiar aura about him that Madara finds trustworthy. He hops into the Audi.

"Ready?" Hashirama asks, full of cheer considering the situation.

Madara buckles his seatbelt, "I am now."

"Thanks so much for this!" The brunette gushes as he puts the car in drive and takes off, "What's your name by the way?"

Madara raises an eyebrow as he gives his hair a little flip, "This isn't a favor you know. It's far from free, especially for a whole night. And you can call me whatever you want, after I get my full rate."

"Oh right! Sorry. I hope this is enough! I can find an ATM if not." Hashirama chirps. He pulls to a stop at a red light and then reaches into the glove box faster than Madara can flinch and tosses a heavy zipper bag onto Madara's lap.

Madara frowns and opens the bag. It's full of straight 100 dollar bills. He thumbs through the cash and blanches at the man in the driver's seat.

"This is ten grand." Madara says faintly.

"Is it not enough? How much more to cover the night?"

"I…" Madara starts but can't really articulate his thought right away, "Alright, just what kind of freak show are you trying to pull here?!"

"Huh?!" Hashirama yelps out.

"Ten  _ grand?! _ I may be a prostitute, you bastard, but I definitely am not about to put up with whatever kinky bullshit you think you can pull with me! I have some dignity left, thank you very much, and I am not about to give up what little I have left, let me out of this car right now!" Madara shrieks.

"It's not like that, I swear!! I just wanted to make sure I had enough, and any extra you can keep! I really screwed up, I need help, and Tobi just called me an idiot and said at this time of night I'd have to find a hooker with a good sense of humor, and I didn't know what else to do, and I see you out there sometimes, and you seem nice an-"

Madara cuts him off before he gets too distracted by crocodile tears to drive properly, "Just calm down, watch the road and explain  _ slowly." _

"I need one hundred pumpkins carved ASAP." The brunette moans with a dark cloud over his head, "My little brother won't help me, my cousin laughed at me, and I can't ask anyone who works for me because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am."

Madara blinks a few times, "Pumpkins."

Hashirama's crocodile tears return as he pulls to a stop in front of a large shed with a sliding door, "Yes. Please say you'll help. I know I'm asking a lot, I can pay you more if you want."

Madara frowns, "And it's not some weird code, or murder or…"

"No, I can prove it!" Hashirama says perking up rather quickly for someone who had just been sobbing. He jumps out of the car and runs to the shed door before yanking it open and gesturing to the inside.

Madara slowly slides out of the car, drawing his coat over his body a bit tighter and preparing to bolt if he has to. He creeps up to the shed and peers inside. It is indeed full of painfully orange fruits, ready to be carved. 

Madara looks between the shed and the brunette a few times and then bursts into howling laughter.

"P-pumpkins!!!" Madara manages through peels of laughter, "Y-ou…. Are acatully…. Paying a prostitute… to ca-carve fucking  **_pumpkins_ ** _!!!!!" _

Hashirama has another depressive cloud slam down on his head, "I know, it's stupid. But please don't leave! I will pay you as much as it takes! I promise!!! And these pumpkins are for the enjoyment of children!!!"

" _ Children!!! You're giving hooker-pumpkins to children!!!!"  _ Madara shrieks, keeling over in his mirth.

"No! I'm hosting a halloween party for all the kids at Konoha Elementary! There's a lot of decorations and things, but I was specifically in charge of this part and… I forgot… I guess there is technically a raffle for the Jack-o-lanterns though… so you are actually right, but no one has to know! And you aren't any lesser just because of how you pay your bills! I'm sure this isn't exactly what you wanted to be doing for work…"

Madara's sides actually cramp up from how much he laughs at that, and he has to calm himself down before he can reply, "I can't believe this."

An even darker aura comes down on Hashirama and he drops even further, "You aren't going to do it, are you?"

"Of course I am, if you have ten grand to just throw around on something like this, I'm sure you have enough money to not notice it's gone, so I am not taking advantage. Easiest money I have ever made right here. My little brother and I will be set for months." Madara says as he stalks into the shed and picks out a pumpkin, "Though, I would like to know how on earth you think the two of us are going to get this done in one night, you idiot."

"We won't! I will pick you up again tomorrow, and the next night too if we need it. No worries, same amount of money per night!" Hashirama beams as he follows Madara's example.

Madara almost bursts into laughter again but he schools it down to a few chuckles, "You are a huge moron. That's thirty grand total. You have to have cheaper options."

"I do, probably but…" Hashirama awkwardly traces the pre-drawn pattern on the pumpkin he is holding, "Tobi gave me the idea and I thought it was a good one. I have seen you out on the street before and… I just think you're incredible you know? Enduring and doing whatever you have to to make yourself a new life. I have had pretty much everything just dropped in my lap, and I know what you must think of people like me who haven't had to struggle like you but…"

Madara tilts his head a bit. This guy is so familiar… but why?

"I don't make a habit of judging people by their jobs or stance in life. I judge by actions. You are better than most. You are wrong though, I don't do what I do for myself, it is all for my little brother, the last one I have left. I would do anything to keep him fed and in school, at the end of the day no matter what it costs me." Madara sighs out as he sinks the carving knife into the top of his pumpkin.

"I was right about you being a great person though. I knew it the first time I saw you." Hashirama replies almost wistfully.

Madara raises an eyebrow at that, "Now you're just being a kiss ass."

"No, really! I… felt almost like I knew you right away! That sounds weird, I know…"

"No. Not really. I had a similar feeling."

"You did?!" 

"Yea. Right when I saw you in the car, I got the weirdest deja vu." Madara says with a nod, "I wouldn't have even gotten in the car with you without it actually. The deal itself seemed extremely sketchy before I figured out what a moron you are." 

Hashirama seems to vibrate with excitement, "I bet we're soulmates!!"

Madara stifles a chuckle and tries to get what he is sure is an extremely embarrassing blush off his face, "You realize you are talking to a full blown hooker right?"

"I told you, that doesn't matter to me! I admire your strength and endurance and your love for your brother! All the hard times I'm sure you've seen, and you still carry on." Hashirama squeals, "And I read this book once where when soulmates meet they can feel all the ways they met in past lives and alternate lives echoing through them! It's like they just… know! Wouldn't it be exciting if it was real?!"

Madara points his carving knife at the idiot non-threateningly, "Fairytales aren't real! This is real-life and there's no such thing as soulmates! You have your head way too far in the clouds, you don't even know my name, and yet you are declaring us soulmates just like that?! You belong in a looney bin." 

"Tell me your name then!" Hashirama fires back.

"... Uchiha Madara. Yes, like the major company Uchiha. No, I don't have any contact with my family, nor access to any of their assets or information… not… that that would matter to you. I guess." Madara snipes, not knowing why he is bothering to answer.

Hashirama nods and says the name slowly as if to taste every syllable, "Ma-da-ra… Yep! Even your name is familiar! Soulmates for sure!!" 

Madara rolls his eyes, "You don't even know me. A little deja vu doesn't change that at all. You are painting me in way too righteous a light."

"Well, we have however long it'll take to carve these pumpkins to talk! I mean… they do need to be done by the third night though, because the party is the day after. But when we're done with the pumpkins… I could take you on a proper date. Wherever you want to go. And if I can't prove to you we are soulmates, I'll drop the whole issue!" Hashirama bubbles.

Madara sighs. It sounds… nice. Hashirama seems just airheaded enough to mean it, and Madara kind of finds him charming in the weirdest way, like a memory long forgotten that still warms his heart. He has this pureness about him too, one that seems to be a front, one that hides a deeper truth, and one that Madara finds unbearably interesting to dig to the bottom of. Senju Hashirama would be a promising adventure in a perfect world, but…

"You may have forgotten, or maybe you're just too stupid to know what prostitution is, but I make most of my money selling sex. You cannot honestly be okay with trying to pursue anything with someone like me." Madara mumbles as he casts his eyes down.

"Is there any reason why you are trapped in that line of work?" Hashirama asks, a bit of that underlying darkness creeping to the surface. It sounds almost as if he'd be willing to fight Madara free if that was the case. Idiot.

"You mean besides the fact that I can't make a living wage any other way and I don't want my baby brother homeless and starving? No. I could pay off my debt tomorrow and drop off my Boss's roster right then." Madara answers.

"Perfect! Do that, and I will hire you as my assistant! You'll get a fair wage, health insurance for you and your brother and full benefits. I will still give you all the cash I promised for the pumpkin debacle as a bonus."

Madara is speechless again, he just stares at the man before him who is dutifully scraping out a pumpkin's guts.

"Now I know you are fucking with me." Madara says finally, "I haven't got any resume to speak of, I wouldn't have a clue what I was doing!"

"Neither do I!" Hashirama says almost proudly, "My dad passed suddenly and left me with a company to run all by myself! It's been hard! I need an assistant! And honestly… most of your job will be helping me clean up messes like this one, and telling me I'm an idiot anyway. You seem well suited."

Madara stares at him for a few more seconds, "And all you want in return is a date?"

"Absolutely not! I'm offering you the job either way! It's entirely up to you whether or not you want to go on that date with me! I would never bribe a date out of anyone, least of all my soulmate." the brunette says resolutely.

More of the soulmate nonsense. He's not letting that go apparently. Madara starts carving his pumpkin without heed to the sharpie pattern it was meant to have. He finishes his simple design quickly, and his companion stays quiet besides a slight hum and the sounds of his own carving knife, perhaps to give Madara time to think things over.

"Alright, I'm choosing to believe you. I will resign from my Boss's place tomorrow. But that's a one way street I hope you know, and I will break every bone in your body if you're lying to me." Madara says finally as he admires his handiwork on his pumpkin.

"And… the date?" Hashirama asks hopefully.

Madara gives him the most mischief filled look he can muster, "You haven't quite earned that yet, nor have you had the opportunity to get to know me enough to realize you don't really want it."

"Of course I do!" The poor bastard says immediately.

"We will see. Uchiha Madara: lesson one. I am better than you at everything. Including pumpkins and portraits." Madara says. He then turns the pumpkin he carved around to reveal his glorious art. Hashirama lets out a shriek when he sees the carving of him looking completely idiotic with a quivering lip and bulbous tears in his eyes. It is complete with a text bubble that says, 'Please help, am stupid.'

"That's so meeeeeaaaaaan! You are supposed to follow the pattern Madara!" Hashirama wails.

Madara sniffs, "Stencils are for cowards. I'm an artist." 

"This is going to be a disaster isn't it?" The brunette moans.

"That was decided the moment you picked me up. Congratulations, you have chosen very wrong. Still believe we are soulmates?"

Hashirama nods almost ruefully as he stares at the awful little pumpkin, "With all my heart."

Madara feels entirely warmed inside when he hears that, inexplicably so. For once, he finds that he loves Autumn. It's the warmest, most bountiful season of them all.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried. No one should let me do anything ever, especially when I'm stressed out.


End file.
